i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
