My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
