Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
