I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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