my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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