I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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