something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
