I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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