I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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