is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I smell like Dick and happiness
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
