I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize