Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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