omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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