ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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