My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
