so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
