Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
