It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize