I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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