I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
