Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
