So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
