It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
