By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
