i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
