So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
