There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
