Yo dont text me then not text me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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