So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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