yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
