Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
