Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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