You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize