Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
