Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
