i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
