I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
