I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
