Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
