I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
