I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
