I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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