Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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