i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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