I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
