Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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