My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
