actually, I'm a sock model
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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