i think my tv is drunk
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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