So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
