Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
