My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish you could order shots online.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
