There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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