i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
