Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
