my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
